Japanese help
  • Hi everyone! I'm doing a short story for my japanese class, and would love it if anyone could proof-read, or just add some comments. I'm supposed to read this out lout in class, I don't like the thought of that... :P

    Here goes:

    去年の二月末に高校の友達のリヌス君とルレオに行きました。大学を訪問しましたから。始め電車でストックホルムへ行った。そしてルレオに飛行機で来た。やっぱりとても切れ名町だった。まだ冬だったら、湖は凍っている。日光もたくさんあった。私たちは二泊して,Oskarshamnという町から来た二人とキャンピング小屋に泊まった。
    うまい食べ物を食べて、友達をたくさん作りましたよ!だが最も良い物は旅が無賃でした。

    The last sentence is supposed to mean "But the thing of all: it was free! :)"

    PS. Can I write 二月末 (at the end of february) and how do I pronounce it, is it nigetsumatsu or nigatsumatsu?
  • Some errors I found, there can of course be more.

    nigetsumatsu sounds very odd, you should use nigatsu no getsumatsu (just like you would use raishuu no shuumatsu).
    You're mixing futsuukei and teineigo (-masu form and normal form), which looks odd. Stick to either one of them (I'd recommend -masu form if it's a speech).
    Allthough it won't matter when you're speaking, "切れ名町だった" is incorrectly written. I assume you mean "kirei na machi datta" which would be written 奇麗な町だった.
    You've written "mada fuyu dattara, mizuumi ha kotte iru". You should not use -tara form here, since that would mean "if it was winter". "mada fuyu datta no de" sounds better. Also, since you're talking in past form, it should probably be "kotte ita".
    You've written いい as 良い, and while not technically incorrect, it is not considered proper use and should be pronounced yoi. Which is fine, if you want to say yoi, but you will sound a bit like an old man.
    The last line sounds a bit odd using mono, it probably sounds better if you use koto.

    Other than those things, I think it all sounds good.
  • Ooops kireinamachi was a typo! ^^

    nigetsu no getsumatsu, ok! :)
    yoi/ii yeah okey I woukd probably say ii...

    So the last line should be: daga mottmo mo ii koto wa tabi ga muchin deshita.?
    Is that line okey? I'm mostly worried 'bout 無賃 which I have never used, can it mean that the whole trip was free, as for me; I mean the school (or some organization or something) payed the costs.
  • Posted By: Moberg
    [p]Ooops kireinamachi was a typo! ^^[/p][p]nigetsu no getsumatsu, ok! :)
    yoi/ii yeah okey I woukd probably say ii...[/p][p]So the last line should be: daga mottmo mo ii koto wa tabi ga muchin deshita.?
    Is that line okey? I'm mostly worried 'bout 無賃 which I have never used, can it mean that the whole trip was free, as for me; I mean the school (or some organization or something) payed the costs.[/p]

    Personally, I would use 無料 or ただ, but that's only because during my year in Japan, I only heard japanese people use those two words for "free", i've never heard of muchin before your post here. Bear in mind, that doesn't mean muchin is wrong, it just means i've never heard it. According to jisho.org, muchin is not a common word, so I'd recommend using 無料 (muryou) instead.
  • Okey thanks! Or maybe 無代 "mudai"?
  • Posted By: Moberg
    無代

    Never heard mudai used either, but I suppose it's possible. Personally, I try to stick to words that are labeled common words in jisho.org unless:
    * I KNOW how the uncommon word is used correctly, because of experience.
    * There is no common word for what I'm trying to say.

    Your best bet would IMO be writing muryou, but still ask your teacher if mudai/muchin could have been used and what would have been different if you did. That's the best way to learn! :)
  • Okay sounds reasonable! :):)
  • 去年の二月の月末に高校の友達のリヌス君とルレオに行きました。大学を訪問しましたから。始め電車でストックホルムへ行きました。そしてルレオに飛行機で来ました。やっぱりとてもきれいな町でした。まだ冬だったので、湖は凍っていました。日光もたくさんあった。私たちは二泊して,Oskarshamnという町から来た二人とキャンピング小屋に泊まりました。
    うまい食べ物を食べたり、友達をたくさん作ったり、しましたよ!だが最もいいことは旅が無料でした。

    So this looks good I hope.
    Maybe it's better to say '"expenses" ga nakatta'.
  • I asked my girlfriend for the best way of saying the last sentence, and she asked a japanese friend.

    According to them, this is the absolute best way of saying it:
    shikashi mottomo yokatta koto wa ryohi ga muryou datta koto desu

    EDIT: By the way, 二月末 if fine to write. It is however pronounced "nigatsusue". Accoring to my girlfriend, that is better than "nigatsu no getsumatsu".
  • Okay thanks! :)

    However! This site says: 月末 つきずえ ... so maybe it nigatsuzue? 

    Here's the finished work:

    去年の二月末(にがつずえ)に高校の友達のリヌス君とルレオに行きました。ルレオ大学を訪問しましたから。始め電車でストックホルムへ行きました。そしてルレオに飛行機で来ました。空港が小さいですが、やっぱりとてもきれいな町でした。まだ冬だったので、湖は凍っていました。だからその湖の上を歩きました。それに日光もたくさんあった。私たちは二泊して,Oskarshamnという町から来た二人とキャンピング小屋(こや)に泊まりました。
    うまい食べ物を食べたり、友達をたくさん作ったり、しましたよ!しかし、最も良かったことは旅費が無料だったことです。

    :)
    I would like "だからその湖の上を歩きました" to mean "Because of that, we walked on the (frozen) lake."
  • Posted By: Moberg
    [p]Okay thanks! :)[/p][p]However! This site says: 月末 つきずえ ... so maybe it nigatsuzue?[/p][p]Here's the finished work:[/p][p]去年の二月末(にがつずえ)に高校の友達のリヌス君とルレオに行きました。ルレオ大学を訪問しましたから。始め電車でストックホルムへ行きました。そしてルレオに飛行機で来ました。空港が小さいですが、やっぱりとてもきれいな町でした。まだ冬だったので、湖は凍っていました。だからその湖の上を歩きました。それに日光もたくさんあった。私たちは二泊して,Oskarshamnという町から来た二人とキャンピング小屋(こや)に泊まりました。
    うまい食べ物を食べたり、友達をたくさん作ったり、しましたよ!しかし、最も良かったことは旅費が無料だったことです。[/p][p]:)
    I would like "だからその湖の上を歩きました" to mean "Because of that, we walked on the (frozen) lake."[/p]

    No, it's nigatsusue, it's pronounced zue in tsukizue because tuski ends with ki. (If you want confirmation, search for がつすえ on google)

    For the last commend, I recommend: まだ冬だったので、湖は請っていて、その上に歩きました。 But your example with dakara should work fine aswell.
  • Possibly the first sentence could be '去年の二月末に高校の友達のリヌス君とルレオ大学を訪問しにルレオに行きました。' Also, shouldn't you say 'hajime ni densha...' instead of 'hajime densha...' That would mean 'first we went to Stockholm by train'. Or do you mean the first train? Denshi Jisho tells me that's 'shihatsu densha'.
  • Posted By: Richard
    [p]Possibly the first sentence could be '去年の二月末に高校の友達のリヌス君とルレオ大学を訪問しにルレオに行きました。' Also, shouldn't you say 'hajime ni densha...' instead of 'hajime densha...' That would mean 'first we went to Stockholm by train'. Or do you mean the first train? Denshi Jisho tells me that's 'shihatsu densha'.[/p]

    Good point. Personally, I would use "saisho ni desha de"
  • Ah okay, So I need hajime wa or hajime ni? =)
    and houmon is maybe a good idea, thanks! ^^

    We went there to look at the university and we did some mini-courses, we built lego-robots :P

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