Can someone look at my translation please?
  • Hi,
    I currently take a one day a week evening Japanese course (on week 19, so a complete beginner) and we're expected to a give a speech.
    I decided to try and translate a story and was wondering if someone could look over what I've written, not so much for content but if it grammatically makes sense. Doomo arigatou!

    これは 兎 です。 これは 亀 です。

    『 わたしたちは 山へ いって、 かけましょうか?

    私は かちます、 より はやい です から。』と 兎は いうった。

    亀 と 兎 は 山 へ いきます。

    兎は ランニング を して、 亀を おいつきました。

    亀 おそく あるいて、 のぼりました。

    『いそいでください !!』 と 兎わ いうった。

    そして、 きのしたで ねました。

    それはら、 亀 かちました、 兎 こうまんちき でした から。

    『みじめ で はいけません。 にんじん は たべませんか?』と 亀は いうった。
  • Sorry, but your story is riddled with errors. It's not your fault of course, 1 class a week for 19 weeks is NOTHING, it's your teachers fault for expecting you to be able to produce decent output in such a short time-frame. Some of the story is just grammatically incorrect like 私は かちます、 より はやい です から。』と 兎は いうった。 Where should be something along the lines of 「あなたより速いから、私が勝ちます」と兎言った。 while other parts are just unnatural (that is, is different from how a Japanese person would say it) like これは 兎 です。 これは 亀 です。 which should be something like 兎と亀がいました。

    I'm sort of the idea that this forum shouldn't be for getting help with homework, so I'm not really sure I should help you with your speech, probably better to let you do it as it is and get proper help from your teacher. What I DO think is that you should tell your teacher that it's a bit odd to demand output from students who still lack proper comprehension. It just becomes very unnatural and odd and doesn't really help your understanding... it just forces you to rely on a dictionary.

    If you need help with something specific like "I want to say something like this, how do I work it?" I'll gladly help you with that though.
  • Hi,
    Thanks for the reply. My teacher didn't expect us to translate a story, every five weeks we present a speech about ourselves and it usually revolves around what we've been taught in the preceding four weeks. However, because we learn very little in those four weeks that every time we make a new speech it just seems everyone just adds a couple of sentences to their previous speech and it gets tediously boring having to hear "I'm Steve. I'm British. I get up at 7:45. I eat breakfast. I worked in a bank. I this... I that ... etc." 20 times over.

    So I thought I'd be creative and try something different, but I'm thinking I attempted something a little too advanced at my level. We've been taught about the use of から but we haven't been told yet you can use it [explanation] から [situation] only [situation] 。[explanation] から

    We've haven't been taught how to say "he/she/it said" or comparative verbs so I really wasn't sure if the sentence you mentioned made any sense.

    While we have been taught て forms, we never went over it for です and how to compound it with adjectives. So I wasn't sure "みじめ で はいけません。" makes any sense either.

    Anyway, after that long winded (sorry) explanation... I suppose the new question is: Is it really THAT bad and incomprehensible ? If so, I'll guess I'll revert to the old "I ..." speech.

    Thanks again
  • I admire you for trying to do something different. Your teacher doesn't sound very imaginative, and I'm sorry to hear that you're getting bored. I don't think it's a good idea to do something so different, though, for two reasons:

    1. You're reaching too far beyond your current level.
    2. Your fellow students might end up resenting you if they think you're showing off.

    Rather than translating a story from another language, maybe you could try to write your own short story in Japanese - that way you're more likely to stick to what you know, and only have to look up a few things. You could introduce your story as a work in progress, and tell them that they're going to hear Chapter 1 in this speech with the rest to follow in subsequent speeches.
  • Posted By: roro
    [p]I admire you for trying to do something different. Your teacher doesn't sound very imaginative, and I'm sorry to hear that you're getting bored. I don't think it's a good idea to do something so different, though, for two reasons:[/p][p]1. You're reaching too far beyond your current level.
    2. Your fellow students might end up resenting you if they think you're showing off.[/p][p]Rather than translating a story from another language, maybe you could try to write your own short story in Japanese - that way you're more likely to stick to what you know, and only have to look up a few things. You could introduce your story as a work in progress, and tell them that they're going to hear Chapter 1 in this speech with the rest to follow in subsequent speeches.[/p]

    Sounds like a good idea IMO, it will be less forced. If you need a specific sentence you can't craft yourself, you can always come and ask us for pointers.
  • Along these kind of lines, when I'm learning a new language and I've memorised how to tell the truth about myself, I tend to start telling outrageous lies. This is a good way to learn new vocab, and helps to wake everyone up. Also, it keeps me amused inventing things to say, and looking in my dictionary, if I find the class a bit slow.

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